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COMMUNICATING WITH THE VICTIM
Discussing
the assault can be a major source of anxiety for the rape victim, yet effective
communication is important to her long-term adjustment and to the survival of
her valued relationships. Unfortunately, many relationships undergo severe
strain in the aftermath of rape. Given the emotional turmoil you both are
experiencing, there are several ways to promote effective communication:
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Respect her fear; it is a normal and
understandable reaction. Do not treat her fear as an irrational overreaction
to the rape. Create a space where she feels comfortable discussing her
fear. Talking about fear is a positive step toward overcoming it. |
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Do not tell her you know how she feels. Only she truly knows.
Also, do not tell her everything is all right when it is not all right. Avoid minimizing the gravity of what has
happened or her efforts to cope. To minimize the significance of rape is
to suggest that you are unable to deal with it.
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Be patient and accepting of her strong feelings and mood swings.
Listen to her without being critical and without giving her unsolicited advice.
Give her the
opportunity to express her feelings at a pace that is comfortable to her. |
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Do
not pressure or “interrogate” her by insisting that she recount details of
the incident over and over again. If she is reluctant to talk, do not be
angry. When she is ready to discuss her feelings, she will do so.
Forcing her to be candid may make her resent you. Do not accuse her of “hiding
something” because she did not tell you sooner. Many victims desire to
protect loved ones from the pain and turmoil caused by the revelation of being
raped. She may also fear being blamed or rejected. Silence should
not be interpreted as a rejection of you, but as her way to sort things out. |
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Pay
special attention to recurring themes in her conversations. These might be
clues providing insight into issues that are troubling her. Being raped
can bring out much “unfinished business,” including problems that existed
before the assault. |
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Eventually,
it is important for the two of you to discuss the impact of the rape on your
relationship. Calmly sharing your feelings with her affords her the
opportunity to nurture you, just as you have been nurturing her. Nurturing
a loved one is an effective way to speed recovery. |
A
difficult challenge for you is to avoid being drawn into conflicts that are
rooted in her emotional turmoil. Whether it is silence, mood swings, fear,
or anger, try to remain consistent in your support. There are times,
however, when it is acceptable to make a space for yourself, especially if the
alternative is to get into an argument with her. Have faith that the
turmoil will subside and your love will prevail.
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