If She is Raped - Guidelines for Fathers

GUIDELINES FOR FATHERS

If the victim of sexual assault is a child or adolescent, the emotional impact on her and her family is especially severe. Fathers, who have a strong sense of responsibility for the safety of their daughters, may have particularly intense reactions such as rage and self-blame. In the crucial hours and days following the rape, however, it is absolutely critical that you be aware of the stresses on your child. The following should be kept in mind:

•	Rape may have been your daughter’s first sexual experience, causing her to have exaggerated fears about adult intimacy. Regardless of her age, she needs to know that she is not tarnished, that her capacity to have close relationships is not diminished, and that rape is not how loving couples express themselves sexually. She also needs to understand that rape is a crime of violence, not an act of “uncontrolled passion,” and that she bears no responsibility for the violence inflicted upon her.
•	Because many fathers find it difficult to discuss sexual issues with their daughters, a professional who is trained in child sexual victimization should be available to answer her questions. Honor her need to have questions answered. A refusal to divulge information about human sexuality when that information is sought by the victim will only heighten her fears. Honest responses to questions will help her to gain control and will reduce her confusion.
•	If the victim is an adolescent, the rape may compound communication problems which often already exist. Do not force her to self-disclose, but if she expresses a desire to talk about the assault, be prepared to do so. She can benefit from talking about the experience if it is her decision to talk. Attempts to help your child “forget” about the rape by refusing to discuss it may give her the impression that you are ashamed of her or hold her responsible.
•	If your daughter was victimized by a date or someone she knows, she may fear that you will think she is responsible for using poor judgment. She also may fear that she will be punished (especially if she had consumed alcohol), that she will not be believed, or that you will take matters into your own hands and cause her to be ostracized by her peers. In anticipation of your responses, she may conceal information from you, or possibly act out in ways that undermine her credibility. Again, it is important for you not to judge or punish her. Equally important, do not display more concern for what others might think (i.e., family reputation) than for her recovery needs. Knowing that she does not have to fear your reactions will help her recovery.
•	If she was assaulted by an acquaintance or date, assure her that she absolutely is not responsible for causing him to “lose control.” Demonstrations of affection and friendship on her part do not make her liable for his violent actions. She also needs to feel that her assailant is not representative of all males and that trust is essential for developing healthy relationships. Indeed, your relationship with her should illustrate the value of openness and trust.
•	Encourage your daughter to resume her normal lifestyle, and do not become overly protective. Limiting her emerging independence by making all decisions for her, or “grounding” her for not being careful, may seem like punishment and should be avoided. It is also important that her rights concerning dating, seeing friends, involvement in extracurricular events at school, as well as her responsibilities for household chores, remain the same. If she is overprotected or allowed to avoid routine activities, she will have a more difficult recovery.
•	Do not isolate yourself or her from friends who are aware of the rape. Neither she nor you have any reason to feel shame. Your true friends will be understanding and supportive.
•	A significant concern among young girls who are raped is that they will become the object of gossip or ridicule by peers. Discuss with your daughter words or actions that will help her to respond appropriately if her peers act in hurtful ways.
•	If your daughter experiences academic difficulties following the assault, teachers and school counselors should be informed of what happened. Academic requirements can be modified to support her recovery needs. If you do inform school personnel, tell your daughter and explain why.
•	If your daughter is young, she may express herself behaviorally rather than verbally. Be alert for signs such as loss of appetite, withdrawal, altered sleeping patterns or nightmares, fear of other people, fear of touch, or fear of being alone. These reactions are common but should be monitored closely for frequency and severity.
•	If your daughter is an adolescent, monitor for the consumption of drugs and alcohol. If she is using, consult with professionals who have experience in dealing with both substance abuse and rape victimization.
•	If the crime is reported and the victim is a minor, parental permission may be required for medical treatment and for police questioning. Be available to provide such authorizations.
•	The gynecological exam may also be a first-time experience and can be extremely upsetting unless parents and medical staff are sensitive. Gently persuade her that the procedure is necessary, but insist that the medical staff carry out the exam compassionately. Be sure that every step in the process is explained to your daughter. If she desires, a trusted person may be present for support during the exam.

There are no magic ways for you to make everything right for your daughter. The most important thing is to let her know that you love her no matter what. As her father you can hasten your daughter’s recovery by letting her know that you believe her, by communicating openly and honestly with her, by not trying to overprotect her, and by demonstrating your unconditional love.