If She is Raped - Overcoming Fears About Sex

OVERCOMING FEARS ABOUT SEX

One consequence of rape is considerable anxiety about sexual activity. For a young victim, rape may be her first sexual experience, causing her great confusion about human sexuality. For all victims, rape is a violent experience devoid of love and emotional intimacy. Such an experience may produce in the victim a long-term fear of sexual involvement, diminished sexual desire, feelings that she has been rendered “asexual,” or the rape may aggravate sexual difficulties that already existed between partners.

For the sexual partner of a victim, a temporary disruption of sexual activity is common, especially if the rape was extremely violent or involved multiple rapists. Most victims experience a change in their sexual responsiveness and also are concerned about the responses of their partner.

If you are insensitive, it may make the resumption of sex seem rape-like, reminding her of the incident. She may have flashbacks of the rape during consensual sexual relations, though she may be reluctant to reveal this. Likewise, you may feel insecure about your sexual performance, especially if she seems unresponsive. In other words you both may experience complex feelings about sexual impulses following a rape. The following suggestions will help:

•	Give her every opportunity to regain her sense of personal control in the area of sexual decision making. Do not pressure her. Resuming sex may seem like a behavioral indicator that things are back to normal, even though they are not. Sexual intimacy does not automatically normalize the relationship or help her to recover. Let her make the decisions about when and how to be physically intimate.
•	Do not be angry with her or doubt your adequacy if she appears less responsive than previously. It may be that certain cues present during the rape (e.g., the smell of alcohol) inhibit responsiveness. A willingness to alter patterns will help your relationship.
•	Just as you should not pressure her into an early resumption of sex, neither should you avoid any display of intimacy. Understandably, you may assume that your partner has a diminished interest in sex, and you may step back out of consideration for her. It is important that she does not misinterpret your behavior as a sign that you feel she is “tarnished” or less appealing than before. There are many ways to express intimacy without consummating that intimacy sexually (e.g., hugging, massage). Asking permission to hold or cuddle her is appropriate. Again, honest communication and a willingness to take your cues from her will help your relationship.

Be patient. Sexual disruption following rape usually is temporary. If problems persist, seek relationship counseling.