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WHAT TO SAY TO OTHERS
Close
friends and family members frequently respond in ways that mirror the victim:
shock, denial, rage, confusion, guilt, and feelings of helplessness. Such
reactions are rooted in efforts to make sense out of a senseless event.
Although it is important for others to express their concern and support,
sometimes well-intentioned efforts are based on misconceptions about rape and
can create additional emotional burdens for her. You can help by serving
as a “buffer” between the victim and others. The following hints will
help:
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Family members and friends may seek to
alleviate their own feelings of helplessness by threatening revenge against the
rapist. Again, such threats may further traumatize her and cause her to
worry about the safety of those she cares about. Threats also complicate
her dealings with law enforcement. Their anger may be expressed to you or
to a counselor, but not to the victim. Such expressions of anger may
heighten her anxiety and make her feel guilty. |
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Discourage others from trying to lift
her spirits by joking about the assault. Jokes trivialize the rape and are
likely to confuse and isolate her rather than being a means of raising her
spirits. |
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Respect
her wishes for confidentiality. She should decide what information and to
whom it should be divulged. Also, you should not prevent her from talking
to others if she chooses. |
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Well-intentioned
family members may try to solicit support
from close friends, clergy, co-workers, and others
without the victim‘s permission. Such
efforts to intervene, unless she requests them, should be
discouraged. However, you should not prevent her from talking to
family members if she chooses. She should decide to whom and under what
circumstances to discuss her feelings. |
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Empower the victim; do not try to control or overprotect her. Some
may seek to convince her to change dwellings or accept what amounts to 24-hour
surveillance. These actions may reinforce the woman’s view of herself as
vulnerable and powerless, thus discouraging her from mobilizing her own
resources for coping. This can promote an unhealthy dependency on others —
a
dependency that may come to be resented. Providing support should not
function to increase feelings that she has lost control over her life or that
she is no longer self-reliant. Being supportive means helping her to build
self-confidence and independence. |
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Let her decide when a distraction is appropriate and necessary. She
will not recover sooner simply because there is a “friendly conspiracy” to
keep her mind off the incident. Occupying her time with a variety of
activities and acting as if the rape never happened may communicate to her that
the rape is too shameful to discuss or acknowledge.
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Remind family and friends that she has privacy needs. There are
times when it is desirable and therapeutic
for her to work through feelings alone. A constant stream of well-wishers
can drain her emotionally. When she decides she needs to be alone, respect
that decision. In addition, she may want you to communicate such decisions
to the family for her. In doing so, you will reassure family and friends
that their concern is recognized and appreciated. In respecting her wish
for privacy, you will send two empowering messages: she is the best judge of
what she needs, and she has the inner strength to recover. |
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Remind others never to imply that the attack was caused because of what
she did or did not do. Second-guessing is a form of “victim blaming”
that complicates her recovery. No one should communicate that she was
raped because she did something wrong. This is especially true in cases of
teenagers who are victimized in the context of dating. |
Clearly,
one of the chief tasks you face is to work with the victim’s loved ones to
provide a safe, accepting climate for her to release painful feelings without
fear of criticism. By letting her know that you trust her ability to
recover, you help empower her to reclaim her life.
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