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What
You Should Do
In
the immediate aftermath of rape, victims need gentleness and acceptance.
To positively affect her recovery, there are things you should and should not
do.
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A common initial reaction among men is an intense anger and a strong
desire to seek revenge against the rapist. This is normal and
understandable. Yet this is a time when calm and reasoned judgments are
most needed. It is especially important that you do not contact
the rapist, even if his identity is known. Contact can create legal
problems for you and cause the victim to fear for your safety. Threatening
to take the law into your own hands adds unnecessarily to her emotional burden.
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Threatening the rapist is undesirable for other reasons as well.
Your anger and threats of revenge shift attention away from her needs to yours.
At a time when she most needs nurturance and understanding, the focus may become
your anger rather than her recovery needs. Moreover, your anger can cut
off communication; she may feel unable to talk about the incident because she
does not wish to upset you. She may even feel guilty for “imposing” an
emotional burden on you. Finally, threatening revenge
may cause her to fear you because it adds a measure of unpredictability
to the relationship. Letting your anger dominate only
closes the lines of communication and reduces her sense of stability. |
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Your anger should never be directed toward her. Under no circumstances
should you accuse or judge her. It is important for you to remain calm and
to give her the opportunity, if she desires, to discuss the experience on her
terms when she is ready. |
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Reassure her that she is not responsible for being raped. Tell her
that the attack was not caused by bad judgment or provocative behavior on her
part. Do not ask her questions such as “Why didn’t you scream and run?
Why were you at that place at that time? Why did you talk to him in the first
place?” Such “why” questions convey a sense of being judgmental, and
may make her feel guilty and possibly even resentful toward you. She needs
to know that you do not blame her for failing to resist the rapist or for being
in a situation that resulted in rape. |
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Never imply that she secretly may have enjoyed the experience.
Again, rape is a violent act that is not a source of pleasure for the victim.
It is important for her to know that you do not equate her rape with an act of
infidelity or promiscuity, and that you do not see her as defiled or less moral
than prior to the incident. |
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Some victims accept as true some of the myths about rape. When she
is ready, encourage her to discuss any beliefs about rape which may contribute
to her emotional state. Tell her that you do not accept views that blame
the woman. Help her to put the blame where it belongs. .
. on the rapist. Always let her know that you believe her, even if
others have doubts.
To doubt her version of events is to undermine her ability to share feelings
with you. |
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Rape robs the woman of a sense of control over her life. In order
for her to regain this sense of control, she should be encouraged to make
decisions about events affecting her life (e.g., whether to report the crime, go
to trial, tell family and friends, seek counseling). Do not make decisions
for her or demand that she follow a particular course of action, even though you
want to help her by “taking charge.” You are not “in charge” of
her recovery. .
. she
is. It is important, therefore, to communicate your support for her in
whatever decisions she makes. |
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Do not demand of her immediate, open communication about the rape.
She may not have had sufficient time to sort out her feelings, or she may wish
to hide her feelings due to a deep-seated sense of embarrassment. It is
particularly important that you refrain from unintentionally humiliating her by
prying into the sexually intimate aspects of the rape. Allow her the
freedom to discuss such issues when she is ready.
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Do not hold or touch her without asking permission or unless she
indicates that such comfort is welcome. Do not be reluctant to physically
comfort her if she is willing.
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Remember
that no single response is typical of all rape survivors. Yet many feel
shame, fear, confusion, self-doubt, guilt, profound grief, and a deep feeling
that their lives will never be the same again. Because her world seems in
turmoil, she needs to know that she is not alone. .
. that
this is a crisis you will endure together.
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