FEELINGS AND REACTIONS

It is our belief that anyone who has lived through a sexual assault, or attempted sexual assault, deserves to be called a survivor of the crime.  A rape or sexual assault can be compared to a life-threatening situation.  Every person would respond differently if his or her life were threatened.  In addition, every survivor of rape reacts differently.  Every survivor will feel, respond, and recover in unique ways.  The following is a list of general feelings that some survivors may experience:

DENIAL:  Wanting to believe that the assault never really happened. That there is no reason for anyone to talk about it. and that somehow it will all “just go away.”

POWERLESSNESS:  Feeling that someone has taken away all control in your life.  Having little or no say over anything around you.  Feeling that something has invaded your personal space.

HELPLESSNESS:  A loss of all self-reliance. Feeling incompetent and having a need to depend on others.

LONELINESS:  The feeling of being alone, even in the company of others.  No one else could ever understand or feel what you are feeling.  Wondering if you are the only person in the world who has ever been victimized.

GUILT:  Wanting to believe that “this could have been avoided if only I would have done...”.  “This would not have happened if I would have...”.  These feelings stem from the belief that it is the victim’s fault that the assault occurred, that “I should have known better”.

SHOCK:  Numbness may first set in, causing a survivor to feel calm and unable to cry.  This can be normal and feelings will surface slowly as you find the strength to deal with the reality of the rape.

ANGER:  This may be directed at yourself, the assailant, friends, or relatives who do not understand the sexual assault experience.  Survivors and family members often vent their anger towards hospital personnel, social workers, police officers, crisis center volunteers, detectives, or the complex legal system.  Anger must come out and should be channeled appropriately, but this often takes time to understand.

FEAR:  The survivor may experience fears from many things:  the fear of being assaulted again, people finding out, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, men, all people, physical contact, nightmares, being alone, or being with others.  The fears are as varied as the survivors are.

DEPRESSION:  This is more than a “mood” of sadness.  The depression may be strong enough to immobilize the survivor.  Some signs of depression may be abnormal sleep patterns, change in eating habits, inability to maintain responsibilities (i.e. job, family, self-care), lack of concentration, and general lack of energy.  Depression can cause some assault survivors to have stomach pains, loose hair, feel constantly tired, totally hopeless and all alone.  It is important to know that other people can help you and will support you.  It is very important to remember that depression can come and go for many months following the attack.

ANXIETY:  Great amounts of anxiety can cause a survivor to panic, even in safe surroundings.  Feelings may surface of being crowded, rushed, unable to make decisions and unable to “take one day or one step at a time”.  Reactions may cause a person to want to be alone, while at the same time feeling fearful of being alone.  Survivors may have breathing difficulties, feel nauseated, and possibly experience nightmares.  During these anxiety-filled times, a survivor needs to take a deep breath, think slowly, and plan only the next fifteen or twenty minutes.  Anxiety will lessen if a person can rationally think through or talk about the immediate feelings or fear.

EMBARRASSMENT:  The survivor may be embarrassed to discuss the physical details of the assault.  Our bodies and sexual activity have always been regarded as private.  The rapist has violated that privacy.  Telling anyone at all about the attack, including medical personnel and law enforcement, may be difficult for the survivor.

LOSS OF CONTROL:  The rapist has forced the survivor to submit to something that she did not want to do.  Since the rapist overcame her resistance by force or fear, the survivor may no longer feel sure of anything about herself or her self-determination.  Sometimes even small decisions, such as what to have for breakfast, may become difficult decisions.

SHAME:  The destruction of self-respect, the deliberate efforts by the attacker to cause the survivor to feel dirty and disgusting, may cause feelings of shame.  Society’s attitudes toward sex and different sexual acts are all reflected in these feelings of shame.  The survivor who feels violated need not feel ashamed where no choice was involved.

All survivors have experienced a trauma, a crisis. Some survivors will blame themselves and become depressed.  Some will want to be alone.  Some will want to be in the company of others.  Some may feel in constant danger and a need to be protected by others.  Many of these feelings will cause a decrease in self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness.

It is during this time that survivors must remember that they did nothing to provoke the attack.  They are not responsible for the actions of the assailant.  Nor, are they responsible for the reactions of friends, relatives and others who may, or may not, support them.  Survivors must realize that they may never completely “forget” the attack.  They must also realize that they can learn to live with the incident as a part of their past.  People who have been victimized are much more than “survivors”, they are the same people they were before the attack and they can become self-confident and self-reliant again.  The victimization will definitely affect their life.  There will be changes.  However, it is important to understand that although the victimization will always be a part of their life, they can work on putting the experience in a manageable light and, with the support of others, go on.

STAGES OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS

Crisis Stage
Shock and denial, strong emotions, no emotions,
fear, physical reactions

Denial Stage
Minimize effects, make major life changes,
turn to harmful things

Suffering Stage
Depression, no sense of security or control,
 anger, guilt, shame, flashbacks

Resolution Stage
Integration of sexual assault, move from victim to survivor

Not everyone goes through these stages at the same pace
or in the some order. It is common for survivors to vary in
their experience of these stages