A MESSAGE TO 
FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Rape and sexual assault are crimes that affect many people other than the victim.  The survivor of a rape is the victim, but co-survivors (i.e. friends, spouses, family, boy friends, co-workers, roommates, etc.) become secondary victims to the crime because they, too, are affected by the situation.  When a person whom we love is assaulted, we must also respond to the feelings and emotions that we have about the incident.  Family and friends will all respond differently, depending upon their past experiences in life and the myths and beliefs which they have about rape.

It is not uncommon for female friends and family to respond in the following ways:  Some may experience fear when they realize the reality involved and come to the conclusion that “it could have been me”.  Some females may not be able to handle the reality of the situation, or the fear, and thus respond by denying or downplaying the rape or by “blaming the victim”.

Men may react differently.  Some husbands, fathers. boyfriends, and brothers respond to the rape of a loved one by “blaming themselves”.  Often men have been raised to believe that they should protect the women in their lives.  When a woman is victimized, the husband. boyfriend, or father often feels very guilty.  They convince themselves that the crime was partly their fault—if they would have done something differently, their loved one would have never been harmed.  It is important that men learn to accept these feelings so that they can talk about them and deal with the hurt caused by secondary victimization.  Some men, on the other hand, react by taking their frustrations or anger out on the victim.  They may blame her, either because of myths they hold, or because they cannot accept or talk about their own emotions.

The survivor may or may not realize that the significant male in her life is feeling so invaded.  She may show signs of anger and confusion toward her loved ones.  She may even fear her husband’s attempt at comforting affection.  Some survivors do want to be held, others may shy away from all physical contact.  It is especially important for husbands and boyfriends to talk with the survivor about her needs. fears, and feelings.

With rape statistics as high as they are, we all will need to respond to victimization at some time in our life.  Whether the actual victim is a family member, friend, or co-worker, the day will come when we stand face to face with someone who we know has been victimized.  If it has not happened to you. then you will not be able to know what the survivor is thinking or feeling.  The most important thing you can provide to a survivor is support.  Support can be given in the following ways:

• Treat the survivor the same as you always have.  Do not feel as though you must say “the right thing”; just be yourself.

• Listen to the survivor, if they choose to talk.  Never force a survivor to talk about the victimization.  If they choose to talk about the situation, do not pry for details or ask questions if the survivor seems uncomfortable.  At the same time, do not put yourself in the position of being uncomfortable.  If you cannot listen to the survivor talk about the crime, be honest.  Let them know that you care and that you are concerned but that you cannot handle the details.  Be sure to tell this to the survivor or they may think that you just do not care or do not believe them.

• DO NOT QUESTION any portion of the victimization.  It is very easy to say, “Why didn’t you run or fight?”  It is simple for a person to look back at a situation and see all sorts of possibilities.  However, we must believe that the survivor did everything possible to survive the attack at the time.

• Respect their fear.  Rapists commonly threaten to kill the victim if they do not comply.  This fear does not go away when the rapist does.  It is real and realistic.  Help the survivor find ways to deal with it by finding ways to increase their safety.

• Be patient.  Allow the victim to recover at her/his own rate.  You may feel enough time has passed and that the survivor needs to be “over it”.

• Encourage the victim to talk with a trained rape crisis advocate. As a friend, you owe it to the survivor to get them the best possible help. Although they may confide in you, you are not trained to help a person work through such a situation. You will probably be an essential person in the recovery process, but you should not be in the position of counseling a survivor. You may want to call Turning Point at (205) 758-0808 for counseling information.

• As a co-survivor, you may want to seek emotional support for yourself.   Do not hesitate in calling Turning Point to discuss your own feelings and responses.   Remember that you have also been victimized by the crime.

• Be honest with yourself and the survivor.  They will certainly know if you are acting strange or indifferent.  Communication is important during the recovery period.

BUT WHAT IF THE SURVIVOR IS A TEENAGER?

Teenagers do react differently in many rape situations.  To understand them you must think back to the time when you were a teenager.  Every day presents a “crisis” of its own.  Grades, boyfriends, peer pressure can all cause teens to feel as if they are in a state of crisis.  Although adults can generally see the difference between a rape and the above experiences, teens often throw all of these situations into the same category.  Often parents want their teenager to respond to the rape as an adult would.  We expect tears and nightmares.  On the contrary, many teenagers are quite able to go through the day to day normal routines.  Teenagers often put the rape experience in perspective with the rest of their lives.  If they are going through a stage of feeling that their parents do not understand them, then these feelings will also apply to the rape.  Teenagers will deal with the rape and their feelings, but they will do it in their own time, at their own pace, and when they are ready. DO NOT PUSH THEM.

Parents, who are very well intentioned, often bring their teenager into a rape crisis center for counseling, thinking that it will bring out all the emotions.  However, one must be cautioned.  As with all survivors, they will deal with their emotions MOST effectively if they do it when they are ready.  This may take months or even years.

This is not to say that a teen who is having reactions such as fears, inability to function and depression should not have counseling.  Please take that teen to a professional as soon as possible.  But, if the teenager you love seems to be “charging” right through each day as she always has, you may want to give her room enough to react as she needs to, by living “normally”.  Open the door for her to talk with you on any occasion.  Introduce her to the Turning Point 24-hour crisis line number and then take care of yourself.

Parents of teenage rape victims often need to talk to a counselor about their feelings and reactions.  Call Turning Point.  It is not selfish for you to take care of yourself.  You will also be of greater assistance to the survivor if you come to grips with and address your own needs.